Hibernating

I wonder why I have felt the need to hibernate and isolate myself from the world for the last two days. I really don't miss the world, it will be there tomorrow. But I have not spoken to another soul for two days, except of course to scold my roommates for their various household misdemeanors such as eating cat poo.

For the last two days, I have left the house only to take out the compost, recycling and retrieve the mail. The radio has been on continously for two days, switching between the local volunteer station, KSER, and NPR. I got out of bed around 7 am both days, took a shower and sat down at the computer to see if anything interesting was happening. It wasn't. Facebook was as boring as usual, but it does lead me on an internet trail of vintage trailers and a gingerbread recipe, which helped to pass the morning. The gingerbread was spectacular, and while I should share it, I probably won't.

My obsession with vintage trailers often leads me to website where ladies have posted photo essays of trailer restoration. I love these. I don't love the one done by Mormoms who profess undying love for the Lord, but never Jesus, and their cadre of exceedingly, unnaturally happy and perfect families. Are these women just keeping a blog because they have nothing better to do, now that they did their job of raising a perfect family. Spare me. I do love looking at the trailers and the process of getting them road worthy. I wonder if I will have an opportunity to upgrade to one of these precious Shastas.

For now, all I want is my Boler, and to keep her rolling on the road, heading east. Being here in the west, means that direction is fairly limited. All point northeast and southeast are what interest me. So after gingerbread, trailer surfing got tiring, I curled up in bed with a magazine. I kept asking myself I wanted to go for a walk. Did I want to go the beach? Did I want to go to the crows roost? I could go to the store. Nah. Instead I took a nap. Just before darkness, I walked to the mailbox. Then I feed my roommates. Then I thought about dinner. I know I need to fill out a job application, a foster application and do my monthly budget. But not yet. Maybe I'll just read a little more.

The thing about hibernation is that it forces me to calm down, slow down, do nothing. Even when my mind is nagging me to go, go, go somewhere. I ignore it. I sit. Still. I ponder. I wonder. I contemplate. And the day passes. It's not like time has stopped because I have. Time is moving. It's me that is not. At the end of it, I'm relaxed, ready to head out to the world. Or at least to a little bit of it.

Time for a new job

Today was a tough day. Today I decided that it is time to leave my job. My boss betrayed me. I had trusted him to back me up, to support me, to not force me to work with an intermediate supervisor, but he did. I didn't understand that in the militaristic structure of a state agency, the next level up has authority to require a subbordinate to do anything he wants. Even when the supervisor is incompetant and utterly stupid. There is no room for creativity or independant thought in this job. For years, I thought there was, but sadly it all depends on your boss. I cannot exist in this type of environment. I am being strangled to death. Everyone at the top has all the say. They can force you to do anything. I feel so helpless and beat up. Thank goodness that at the last minute I brought in a union rep to support my issues and help to move the discussion. The HR person was completely useless. Another threat by my intermediate supervisor.

The problem is that the manager lost all control of the supervisor and did not reign him in. He allowed the other to bully me, simply because he holds an artificial title of supervisor. Our next meeting will define what that means. Yeah. At least I will get to set some boundaries. At least I will get to have a say. But that doesn't change how I've lost all interest in this job. I wondered how long I would be able to do this job. It's not so much the applicants, as it is the organization. I will look for a transfer, maybe to a different program, to a different field office. I think the thing I'm saddest about is losing trust of a respected boss. I have no choice but to obey someone who I detest, an ignoramous, and try avoid him as much as possible. I didn't understand the severity of the chain of command, I didn't play by the rules, I didn't lie or cheat. I honestly told the boss how incompetent the sup was, and he didn't believe me. Now, if the sup continues his poor skills, at least I will have a starting point. For a while. Untill I find something else. I'm actually excited about seeing what else is out there. I am excited about looking forward to going to work again.

I was labeled "confused" because the manager had an open door policy and encouraged interaction, until the sup started to feel left out and wanted more power. So the manger granted him that power, and he began to exert his authority and control only because he could. Not because he had any reason to. Really nothing better to do. I will not discuss things with the sup that I don't need to. I will not discuss things with the manager. Instead of being one of those awesome employees who look to their superiors to discuss things, I will not keep it all to myself. I will discuss nothing with either of them. If I need help, I will go to one of my collegues and refrain from any input with the supervisors, unless they come to me. I will discuss nothing with them. They cannot be trusted. I will do my job alone without support. I will discuss things only if they ask. No matter how hard it will be, I will keep my head down and end all personal relationships. I have already severed it with Laura, never had it with Larry. Ginger is leaving. Shouldn't be so hard. I will come into work, I will answer the phone, return emails and make site visits. I will lose all passion I had. I willl lose all personal connections. I will become a robot without emotion so that is easier for them to push me around. That's the only way I will get throught this. And then, I will make contacts with everyone outside, and find a new job in no time at all.

How much is enough?

Today, I posted a link to a NYT article by Paul Krugeman regarding whiny rich and their tax cuts. Immediately, RK epitomized the essence of the article by stating that only thieves take others people's money. Sadly, I deleted his post before I could post a witty comeback, so I'm left to mull over his ridiculous greed and selfishness in the privacy of my study. Which is a much better place than on the internet. But I really do wonder, how much is enough? He isn't making 250K a year, so why does he care that the richest among us won't be getting the tax cuts? It's not like they are getting refunds, they just have to pay a little more in taxes. Yeah, yeah, they won't be able to buy a new boat this year, or a house that has too many rooms, but hey, someone else may be able to get money for a student loan and get an education. But, it is rich people's money we are talking about, so let's get real. They just deserve more than the rest of us. They deserve to pay less in taxes because they've worked harder and are plain smarter. Ok, I can accept that. In the 15 years that I have known him, he has been generous with his money. I have benefitted from an Ipod, numerous plane trips, restaurant meals, etc. But has all that generosity come with a price? Was he actually buying my friendship? Was he showing off? Is he that insecure? Does money bring happiness? I don't think so. I think the amount of money one has is directly proportional to sadness. The less I can live with the better. Lately, I've been worried about my personal expenses and not having enough. But do I really need a wood fence?Would I be just as happy with a trip to Pacific City instead of Belize for the big 40? Can I live with the dent in the back of my new Rav4? Yes, but. Wanting things is part of what makes us human. It's when those wants are so unfillable that we have a problem. A problem which cannot be solved by politics. Greed is a sad thing. We seem to have a lot of greedy folks in this country. Greedy people whose minds are warped into believing the rants of nonsense like Limbaugh, Palin, Beck. Those are sad people. I feel sorry for them. Very sorry. I'm not sure how much longer the friendship with V & K will persist. It's not the kind of friendship that brings happiness into my life. I want to run screaming from them. They are detrimental to my spirit, and I must protect my spirit at all costs. My spirit is all I have. I will be true to it. It will guide me. Even through this wave of fraudulent politics. Good outweighs evil.

Successful surgery

We are at the end of day 2 of the 8 week healing process. Carly is sleeping soundly on the bed with the cone head next to Maisey. She whinned for about 12 hours yesterday, either from the frustration of having a plastic cone stapped to her neck, the pain of the surgery or the itch of the stitches. Either way, it was a tough night for me. I got up about 4 am and gave her a pill wrapped in peanut butter. Evidently, the peanut butter masks the bitter taste and it goes down without a hitch.

I'm glad we got the surgery over. After interviewing 3 vets and a nurse, it was time to make a decision. If I can just keep her slow for the next two months, we'll be home free and back to scaling mountains. The vet says that her left knee will be stronger than before. I wonder if that will cause the right to bust? Hope not, but at least I know what to expect and to save some cash.

She even peed tonight. A very thick urine because she was having trouble squatting on three legs.

She so emotionally attached to me. She wants to lean up to me on the bed, just to make sure I'm there? I reassure her repeatedly, that everything will be fine, that this is just temporary. Hopefully she understands and believes me.

It's funny how I don't care about the money or the time lost or anything but healing her. I don't know what I will do without her. Mom says God will give me another special dog, but I wish this one could be around for ever. I will always remember to make the most of each day I have with her. She is just so amazingly wonderful and special.

My hiking partner

Five days ago Carly was having a great time hiking through the woods on Bainbridge island, when the last tendon in her left knee ligament snapped. A loud squeal was heard, followed by another and then limping. I knew what happened, just didn't want it to be true. We have visited 3 doctors; a naturopathic and a surgeon and still I'm not sure exactly what should be done. I'm sure that she needs surgery to get back to full health. And the weeks of no-activity following the surgery will be less than fun. But what surgery do I do with? They have this new surgery, a tightrope that seems promising, but because it is so new, will there be complications? There's the traditional surgery and the normal route of repair that seems like the best shot. What if the other one breaks? I feel that this break had been occuring for a long time. With all the twisiting and turning and speeding around that she does, it was bound to happen. Here it is and we don't have a lot of options. Just one, actually. I think Dr. Brad was fairly unsatisfied with the tightrope surgery. He highly recomends Dr Fry due to his high success rate with the traditional method. The guy I met today seemed knowledgeable, but he's so young and doesen't have the number of surgeries under his belt. I want a surgeon that really knows corgi knees, if that is an issue. Her left knew is so blown out. Will it heal back? Would a simple suture surgery be enough? This is pretty scary. How to know what to do? My active, healthy dog is down for the count and I don't have the answers. I need answers. Does it really matter? All the suture is there for is to keep the knee stabilized as the ligaments heal back again. Then, all is well. What are the chances of blowing out again? So confused and uncertain. I'm looking at 3 months of down time. Catching up on house projects, going to yoga, lots of quiet, healing time. And the trailer sits outside, waiting. Maybe I should see if anyone wants to borrow it? I don't want to drill holes in her knees and have then break again. I know that bones heal well and solid, so that shouldn't be an issue, but still not sure what to do.

Ringo is missing

Ringo didn't come home for dinner. So that means that maybe he found dinner on the go, or maybe he is injured and can't get home. I don't know, either way, I'm worried about him. Did he get into something? There's nothing I can do but worry. I last saw him about noon as he blazed by the back door then around the front. Nothing to worry about there. Should have come when I shook the asprin bottle. He must be in trouble. He always comes for food.

The Curve of Time

The second book of the year is "The Curve of Time" by M. Wylie Blanchet. It is a story of a mother and her 5 children who power their small boat, the Caprice, up the inlets and bays of Georgia Strait, British Columbia. The story is told first person by the mother, a widow. It does not tell how the husband died or when, or even the ages of the children. Other than a few descriptions of adventures with bears and meeting people who live in the outermost woods, there is not much depth to the story. She doesn't even give all the names of the children, at least I could not find them. I could only find 3 names. The story lacks passion and emotion, the reader sees that the little family enjoys the trips, but tells us nothing of the reasons why they did the sailing trips summer after summer. The story is set in the 50's, I think. But again, not really any detail to go on. The story tells of exploring Haida villages, but carefully omits any description of the places so that others cannot find these hidden gems. I was really hoping to enjoy this book, but it read very flatly and I was not drawn into it, even though I have been through the places she has travelled and should have been able to reminise about them through this book. I'm sure there are better stories about sailing through the Inside Passage, I intend to find them.

Off the Bookshelf

From this day forward, I will blog about each book that I take from my overfilled bookshelves and read. These are books that have been waiting to be read for years, many years. It's time that I start taking a good look at the books I've chosen, read them and give them some thought. It's going to be a great journey through my bookshelves. Then, if I like the book, I will decide whether to keep it or sell it back to a bookstore. Occassionally, I may pick up a book from the library, and if so, I'll add it to this blog. This blog will give me a reason to get through my bookshelf and maybe read a few good books along the way.

So the first book is "The Book of Yaak," By Rick Bass. It was a great way to begin this project. From the first line, I was drawn to his images of the woods of Montana, and the creatures who live there. The book gave a voice to the forest that was about to be logged. Later, Bass states that one valley was saved, but the rest were goners. I would like to visit this Yaak Valley, this place seperated from the world outside, the world that is trying to extinguish it. This book has affirmed the fact that a little relentlessness can be a very important thing to have in this world. Where would we be with out people who are relentlessly fighting for what they believe in, for those are the people with passion. Those are the people who can add something to the world and enrich lives. I am proud to be one of those people. I want to be relentless like Bass, like all the other Basses in the world. I may not fight for a forest, but I can fight for streams. So the Yaak, a great story in a great place and a book that will stay on my shelf. Yaak, save the woods, save the creatures, save what should not be squandered and spent. The problem is that there a whole section of the population, decision makers, who don't care about saving woods, who just want what they can get from it. I met one of these folks recently and have been trying to avoid him since. A few weeks ago, he became unavoidable, picked a fight with me and then acted like it was all my fault. He could not see the value of the stream and until the stream is no longer, he will not rest. He has thumped me off the site, he thinks he has found an easier target, but he will not get around, he will not get what he wants. Greed never wins. They didn't win in the Yaak, even if they got all the trees, they only got a short term win. Their greed will be the end of them. I can't wait to read about the Yaak again.

Relentless

Today my boss handed me a letter that was intercepted before reaching the big boss. In it was a fabrication of a site visit in which I used one profane word in the following sentence "That's F---ing unfair." This sentence was used after I was harrassed, threatened and insulted by a man who dislikes having a woman in a place of authority. He insulted me personally. It's been the same everytime I met with him, he always trying to put me down and undo me, insult me or my expertise. He was always looking for a fight and that day, he got one. He is an evil person, a person who wants to control women, a man with a bad case of little man syndrome. The only way the episode would have been avoided was to have brought someone with me. The intercepted letter was full of lies and with the exception of the profane word, I did nothing wrong. I stood my ground because I had to. Is it my fault that some men can't respect women? Why is this my problem? Why do I have a letter written about me, when the problem was his? It was like I was set up to go out there and look at a stream, getting set up to have this guy under my skin, then to threaten to go over my head and work with my boss, exactly what I told him he was welcome to do. The letter is his having a say, a last word. Like that proves that he is right. The letter took 2 weeks to write and not a word of it was true. So, then my boss says that I'm relentless. At first that may sound like an insult and maybe he was just trying to politely tell me that I should back down, but honestly, smart women do not back down. Smart women take chances and tell the truth, even if others can't bear to hearit. There are those who respect my guts and determination and passion. Then there are those that would like to me go away. Sorry to the second group, sorry to the weaklings who can't stick up for themselves, I'm not like you. I say what needs to be said, I don't quiver behind whispers and tell lies to people's faces. I sit up and tell it like it is. I am proud to be relentless, when it matters. I will always be relentless when it matters. I will always stand my ground, show my passion and stick up for myself. No one gets to shove me around with manipulation and lies. Thank goodness I never have to work that man again. I don't have to take that abuse from anyone. He's a piddly engineer who thinks he owns the world. I wish he would go away. But he won't. He's just one of those people that now I get to avoid for the rest of my life. I honesty don't think I did anything wrong. It was just a site visit, it was just a discussion. There was no confrontation, no unwillingness. He wanted to push my around, I wouldn't let him. He got mad and wrote a nasty letter. So what. I hope he feels better now that he got the last word. Well, not really. I got the last word, right here. Ha.

Yeah, Christmas is over

What a relief. I don't have to worry about celebrating this non-holiday for another 365 days. Sadly, it's become such a mish mash of everything that is nothing at all. A dark hole on the calendar where peace, love and joy are supposed to reign and overcome all, but such high expectations are headed for failure. Big time.

The birth of Christ, now that's something. But it has all been washed away in the end of the year buying frenzy. If only all we celebrated was the birth of Christ in a manger in the Middle East. If only there really were three wisemen led by a bright star in the sky to a barn of animals. If only. But like everything else, it is too good to be true. And yet the myth lives on.

I think a better way to celebrate the birth of Christ is to spread it out over the year, like pieces of bread on a trail so that others can find you. The hype, the anticipation, the letdown. If what we are supposed to do is show others love, why do we expect to cram it all in one day? Wouldn't it be better to give occassional gentle reminders? I hope that's what my life is an example of, the goodness of the moment.

Yesterday, and every day that I go home my dad has selected a book for me. Many gifts of books over the year, many little times that he thinks of me, and acts on it without any expection that I will return the gift. That's Christmas. The unexpected, the thoughtful, the meaningful gestures. Anything that is expected is not a gift. This year, I sent money to Everett Gospel Mission, a book to Tom and Laura, a magazine subscription to Amy and a jar of precious apricot jam to my neighbor Stacia. Small tokens of appreciation and grace expecting nothing in return.

Thankfully, now I can begin to enjoy the winter, the cold, the quiet, the peaceful days. The weight of Christmas farce has been lifted. Two little doggies wait patiently by the door. Their thick coats keep them warm in the 30 degree weather. The anticipate that any moment will be the moment that I open the door. I like to see them getting along, sitting inches apart, with the same thought on their minds, "can I come in?" There's nothing for them inside. Outside is a yard full of wonder and amusement. Luna doesn't think so. A warm house means everything to her. Carly is happy to absorb the sun's winter rays while doing her best yoga pose. Outside is the best place for a dog to be.

Plants are my weakness

Today I spent $65 on plants.

Yep, I really needed a new pair of hiking boots, but I didn't even blink as I wrote the check for the plants, thinking about all the pleasure I'll have planting them and watching them grow. I surrender to this weakness because I'm writing a check to a non-profit group, whose volunteer efforts drive the propagation and sale of the plants. It's a very worthy group to support and I do with at least $200 per year.

Next month, the group is offering a propogation class to teach techniques on collecting seeds and proprogating cuttings; both things I already do, but want to do better. Granted, many of the plants won't make it, the seeds may not germinate, the plants may get eaten by slugs (so that's where all my purple coneflower went) and I may accidently kill the rest. No matter. I will still buy plants. My hiking shoes will rip and tear and become completely useless and embarrassing to wear, but at least I will have plants growing, blooming and supporting our fragile ecosystem for years to come. I will delight in a yard surrounded by hundreds of plants and the little critters that depend on them for survival. I don't really need a new pair of hiking shoes, they all wear out and become useless. Plants are never useless. They always serve a vital, valuable purpose to my life

People will comment

Lately, there's been a lot of commenting in my life. Three weeks ago, I made an off hand comment to a neighbor about her unattractive yard waste pile that I can view from my back yard because her yard is higher (see picture). When I arrived home later that evening, I was surprised to have a long-winded message from her stating how much my comment had offended her. OMG. I drove to work that morning pissed off at her ignorance for not caring about my having to look at a pile of weeds. In her diatribe, she declared that all the neighbors think my yard is a pile of weeds. Well, that's native habitat for you.

My yard is an assortment of native plants and trees that were put there to be used by wildlife. Her yard is an assortment of bushes and trees sculpted beyond necessity to resemble bottle brushes. Her pruning should be illegal. More like hacking away at branches until the trees no longer resemble living things. Needless to say, we are not speaking. I don't mind really. No more playing nice-nice with her. We had little in common anyway. I'm content to keep to myself.

As ridiculous as this incident has been, I've noticed that people make all sorts of comments to one another, few are meant to do harm or hurt, but it's just people speaking honestly, saying what they are thinking. People should be allowed and encouraged to say what they feel. I'm allowed to say what I did, as well as she's allowed to reply. Maybe if she had said it to me, instead of my answering machine, I could at least have said I didn't mean in the way she took it. I think back to loads of comments I've made, inadvertent and in conversation, that if taken the wrong way, may have hurt someone. But it wasn't intentional. And I needn't apologize for something that was not meant to hurt. A thick skin and a good self image could go a long way in reducing bitterness between people.

Last week, I told a couple girls in yoga that either the studio is a quiet room and if they wanted to chatter, they could go to the hall. The were set to spend 10 minutes before class chatting it up in front of the mirror. There are signs requiring silence in the yoga room. Then today, I was asked to move my mat over to make room. But I had placed my mat exactly between two other mats, following the rules. The person who asked is a local rock star (big in his own mind) and even though he could have moved his mat over, he chose to comand me to do it. I refused, saying I didn't want to be behind another person. He said "Well, if you say so," and went back to his mat.

I hate that all of these incidents happened and wonder could have been done differently. The most important thing is not to make a big deal of it, and to move on with life. The fact is, life is precarious, it's always shifting and one never knows what kind of day another is having. So, we just have to go with it, calmly, patiently, lovingly.

Kitty Acupuncture

Today was our first acupuncture visit. Not mine, but Maisey's. Two weeks ago, she dislocated her tail right below the sacrum. At first she just hopped around and could not pee. But gradually, over the next days, she regained more use of her legs, started pushing pressure on her right one, which had muscle spawms as well a a little cut. Finally, she peed on her own a couple nights ago, after I nearly perfected the art of squeezing a kitty bladder. I had no idea how acupunture would go. I was familiar with it as an ancient Chinese medicine and people had told me how it helps animals to heal. So we tried it. First we calmed her down, petting and "nervous" purring, following by one needle into the back of her head. Then 4 more needles at other "meridians" along her spine. The vet said that since cats are very sensitive creatures, it's hard to tell how they will react or how many needles can be inserted. Maisey took it very well. It was clear that emotionally, 5 needles was all she needed to release the energy and the pain in her spine. So we stopped there and just continued to stroke and massage for a while. She wanted to curl up on my lap and bury her face in my legs, all the while "making muffins" with her paws. I really liked the vet and am excited to go back to her next week. If this does nothing but takes away some of Maisey's pain and helps her heal better, that's all I can ask for. If the injury is permanent, we may have to amputate her tail, as it just droops along her backside and gets caught between her legs. But that decision won't be made today. Hurray for alternative medicine!

Yes, snow does melt

There is a green spot in the backyard near the septic tank cover. It is the first place to melt in almost two weeks of living through a record snowfall. No, I never got around to measuring the depth, but guessing by the agility bar height, I think two feet is accurate. And thanks to the fabulous Snohomish county plow crew, I can drive up the street. Getting out of the driveway required shoveling snow more than once, which I didn't mind as it was good exercise. During our two week hiatus from life, we walked every day, sometimes more than once. We threw the ball until it got buried by snow, read several books, cooked yummy meals and drank a lot of tea. Now that the snow is melting, I might miss it.

Today we had a little scrimish at the dog park. It was time to join the land of the living, so we headed down to Marymoor to burn off energy and enjoy the outdoors. We walked through slushly snow and water around the lake to the pier. No one else was on the trail. Just us. Carly sniffed and sniffed and peed on the interesting spots. I strolled and listened to the birds. We looped back through the park by the big field and encountered 3 hairy wolfie type dogs. Three is too many for Carly to deal with, especially when they have bad manners. Poor Carly tried every tactic to tell them to back away; snarling teeth, chomping, lunging, growling. But it was no use for these idiotic dogs. The owner, of course, was on the other side of the field and since the beasts had no recall skills, it was up to me to lead Carly away. This usually works well. A stiff "come" works to distract her away from the problem. Not this time. The beasts would not let her pass, they would not let her be. She stayed close by as we tried to distance ourselves from them. We kept walking and their owner kept telling me to stop moving so she could catch up. Finally, I was able to pick Carly up and at least get her above them. And the lady was able to get a leash on one of the beasts. No apology. We just kept walking. People think it's Carly that has bad manners, when it's all the other dogs who are too dense to listen to her tell them to back off. Many dogs do get it. A quick sniff, a short chase, and goodbye. But some just don't. Do animals take after their owners?

As if that scuttle wasn't enough, I decided to try out the new self-serve dog wash! Carly would have liked to skip this. We rinsed, soaped and dried in 11 minutes. 11 minutes of her trying to get away, climbing on me, shaking on me and a bit of whinning and barking. Now, hours later, she is dry and absolutely fluffy and clean. She really, really really needed this bath. So worth it.

Yesterday, I was cruisng Petfinder and saw Dancing Comet, a young male tri-color corgi. Too cute. His description is a great personality match for Carly. Problem is, do we want another dog? Can I emotionally handle two dogs? Would this really be best for Carly? Who would watch two dogs if I went on vacation? He's so cute. I want to meet him. Having a buddy might help her to relax and not be so protective of me, so jealous around other dogs. Would I have enough energy for two dogs? Abeit two little dogs, but every creature in this household gets their fair share of attention. Hikes would be great. Two little dogs on the trail. Food wouldn't be a problem. Vet care is not a problem. Heck, I spend more on car repairs than vet bills. It just seems like he would be a great little addition. I will call in the next couple of days to find out his history.