Hibernating

I wonder why I have felt the need to hibernate and isolate myself from the world for the last two days. I really don't miss the world, it will be there tomorrow. But I have not spoken to another soul for two days, except of course to scold my roommates for their various household misdemeanors such as eating cat poo.

For the last two days, I have left the house only to take out the compost, recycling and retrieve the mail. The radio has been on continously for two days, switching between the local volunteer station, KSER, and NPR. I got out of bed around 7 am both days, took a shower and sat down at the computer to see if anything interesting was happening. It wasn't. Facebook was as boring as usual, but it does lead me on an internet trail of vintage trailers and a gingerbread recipe, which helped to pass the morning. The gingerbread was spectacular, and while I should share it, I probably won't.

My obsession with vintage trailers often leads me to website where ladies have posted photo essays of trailer restoration. I love these. I don't love the one done by Mormoms who profess undying love for the Lord, but never Jesus, and their cadre of exceedingly, unnaturally happy and perfect families. Are these women just keeping a blog because they have nothing better to do, now that they did their job of raising a perfect family. Spare me. I do love looking at the trailers and the process of getting them road worthy. I wonder if I will have an opportunity to upgrade to one of these precious Shastas.

For now, all I want is my Boler, and to keep her rolling on the road, heading east. Being here in the west, means that direction is fairly limited. All point northeast and southeast are what interest me. So after gingerbread, trailer surfing got tiring, I curled up in bed with a magazine. I kept asking myself I wanted to go for a walk. Did I want to go the beach? Did I want to go to the crows roost? I could go to the store. Nah. Instead I took a nap. Just before darkness, I walked to the mailbox. Then I feed my roommates. Then I thought about dinner. I know I need to fill out a job application, a foster application and do my monthly budget. But not yet. Maybe I'll just read a little more.

The thing about hibernation is that it forces me to calm down, slow down, do nothing. Even when my mind is nagging me to go, go, go somewhere. I ignore it. I sit. Still. I ponder. I wonder. I contemplate. And the day passes. It's not like time has stopped because I have. Time is moving. It's me that is not. At the end of it, I'm relaxed, ready to head out to the world. Or at least to a little bit of it.

Time for a new job

Today was a tough day. Today I decided that it is time to leave my job. My boss betrayed me. I had trusted him to back me up, to support me, to not force me to work with an intermediate supervisor, but he did. I didn't understand that in the militaristic structure of a state agency, the next level up has authority to require a subbordinate to do anything he wants. Even when the supervisor is incompetant and utterly stupid. There is no room for creativity or independant thought in this job. For years, I thought there was, but sadly it all depends on your boss. I cannot exist in this type of environment. I am being strangled to death. Everyone at the top has all the say. They can force you to do anything. I feel so helpless and beat up. Thank goodness that at the last minute I brought in a union rep to support my issues and help to move the discussion. The HR person was completely useless. Another threat by my intermediate supervisor.

The problem is that the manager lost all control of the supervisor and did not reign him in. He allowed the other to bully me, simply because he holds an artificial title of supervisor. Our next meeting will define what that means. Yeah. At least I will get to set some boundaries. At least I will get to have a say. But that doesn't change how I've lost all interest in this job. I wondered how long I would be able to do this job. It's not so much the applicants, as it is the organization. I will look for a transfer, maybe to a different program, to a different field office. I think the thing I'm saddest about is losing trust of a respected boss. I have no choice but to obey someone who I detest, an ignoramous, and try avoid him as much as possible. I didn't understand the severity of the chain of command, I didn't play by the rules, I didn't lie or cheat. I honestly told the boss how incompetent the sup was, and he didn't believe me. Now, if the sup continues his poor skills, at least I will have a starting point. For a while. Untill I find something else. I'm actually excited about seeing what else is out there. I am excited about looking forward to going to work again.

I was labeled "confused" because the manager had an open door policy and encouraged interaction, until the sup started to feel left out and wanted more power. So the manger granted him that power, and he began to exert his authority and control only because he could. Not because he had any reason to. Really nothing better to do. I will not discuss things with the sup that I don't need to. I will not discuss things with the manager. Instead of being one of those awesome employees who look to their superiors to discuss things, I will not keep it all to myself. I will discuss nothing with either of them. If I need help, I will go to one of my collegues and refrain from any input with the supervisors, unless they come to me. I will discuss nothing with them. They cannot be trusted. I will do my job alone without support. I will discuss things only if they ask. No matter how hard it will be, I will keep my head down and end all personal relationships. I have already severed it with Laura, never had it with Larry. Ginger is leaving. Shouldn't be so hard. I will come into work, I will answer the phone, return emails and make site visits. I will lose all passion I had. I willl lose all personal connections. I will become a robot without emotion so that is easier for them to push me around. That's the only way I will get throught this. And then, I will make contacts with everyone outside, and find a new job in no time at all.

How much is enough?

Today, I posted a link to a NYT article by Paul Krugeman regarding whiny rich and their tax cuts. Immediately, RK epitomized the essence of the article by stating that only thieves take others people's money. Sadly, I deleted his post before I could post a witty comeback, so I'm left to mull over his ridiculous greed and selfishness in the privacy of my study. Which is a much better place than on the internet. But I really do wonder, how much is enough? He isn't making 250K a year, so why does he care that the richest among us won't be getting the tax cuts? It's not like they are getting refunds, they just have to pay a little more in taxes. Yeah, yeah, they won't be able to buy a new boat this year, or a house that has too many rooms, but hey, someone else may be able to get money for a student loan and get an education. But, it is rich people's money we are talking about, so let's get real. They just deserve more than the rest of us. They deserve to pay less in taxes because they've worked harder and are plain smarter. Ok, I can accept that. In the 15 years that I have known him, he has been generous with his money. I have benefitted from an Ipod, numerous plane trips, restaurant meals, etc. But has all that generosity come with a price? Was he actually buying my friendship? Was he showing off? Is he that insecure? Does money bring happiness? I don't think so. I think the amount of money one has is directly proportional to sadness. The less I can live with the better. Lately, I've been worried about my personal expenses and not having enough. But do I really need a wood fence?Would I be just as happy with a trip to Pacific City instead of Belize for the big 40? Can I live with the dent in the back of my new Rav4? Yes, but. Wanting things is part of what makes us human. It's when those wants are so unfillable that we have a problem. A problem which cannot be solved by politics. Greed is a sad thing. We seem to have a lot of greedy folks in this country. Greedy people whose minds are warped into believing the rants of nonsense like Limbaugh, Palin, Beck. Those are sad people. I feel sorry for them. Very sorry. I'm not sure how much longer the friendship with V & K will persist. It's not the kind of friendship that brings happiness into my life. I want to run screaming from them. They are detrimental to my spirit, and I must protect my spirit at all costs. My spirit is all I have. I will be true to it. It will guide me. Even through this wave of fraudulent politics. Good outweighs evil.

Successful surgery

We are at the end of day 2 of the 8 week healing process. Carly is sleeping soundly on the bed with the cone head next to Maisey. She whinned for about 12 hours yesterday, either from the frustration of having a plastic cone stapped to her neck, the pain of the surgery or the itch of the stitches. Either way, it was a tough night for me. I got up about 4 am and gave her a pill wrapped in peanut butter. Evidently, the peanut butter masks the bitter taste and it goes down without a hitch.

I'm glad we got the surgery over. After interviewing 3 vets and a nurse, it was time to make a decision. If I can just keep her slow for the next two months, we'll be home free and back to scaling mountains. The vet says that her left knee will be stronger than before. I wonder if that will cause the right to bust? Hope not, but at least I know what to expect and to save some cash.

She even peed tonight. A very thick urine because she was having trouble squatting on three legs.

She so emotionally attached to me. She wants to lean up to me on the bed, just to make sure I'm there? I reassure her repeatedly, that everything will be fine, that this is just temporary. Hopefully she understands and believes me.

It's funny how I don't care about the money or the time lost or anything but healing her. I don't know what I will do without her. Mom says God will give me another special dog, but I wish this one could be around for ever. I will always remember to make the most of each day I have with her. She is just so amazingly wonderful and special.

My hiking partner

Five days ago Carly was having a great time hiking through the woods on Bainbridge island, when the last tendon in her left knee ligament snapped. A loud squeal was heard, followed by another and then limping. I knew what happened, just didn't want it to be true. We have visited 3 doctors; a naturopathic and a surgeon and still I'm not sure exactly what should be done. I'm sure that she needs surgery to get back to full health. And the weeks of no-activity following the surgery will be less than fun. But what surgery do I do with? They have this new surgery, a tightrope that seems promising, but because it is so new, will there be complications? There's the traditional surgery and the normal route of repair that seems like the best shot. What if the other one breaks? I feel that this break had been occuring for a long time. With all the twisiting and turning and speeding around that she does, it was bound to happen. Here it is and we don't have a lot of options. Just one, actually. I think Dr. Brad was fairly unsatisfied with the tightrope surgery. He highly recomends Dr Fry due to his high success rate with the traditional method. The guy I met today seemed knowledgeable, but he's so young and doesen't have the number of surgeries under his belt. I want a surgeon that really knows corgi knees, if that is an issue. Her left knew is so blown out. Will it heal back? Would a simple suture surgery be enough? This is pretty scary. How to know what to do? My active, healthy dog is down for the count and I don't have the answers. I need answers. Does it really matter? All the suture is there for is to keep the knee stabilized as the ligaments heal back again. Then, all is well. What are the chances of blowing out again? So confused and uncertain. I'm looking at 3 months of down time. Catching up on house projects, going to yoga, lots of quiet, healing time. And the trailer sits outside, waiting. Maybe I should see if anyone wants to borrow it? I don't want to drill holes in her knees and have then break again. I know that bones heal well and solid, so that shouldn't be an issue, but still not sure what to do.

Ringo is missing

Ringo didn't come home for dinner. So that means that maybe he found dinner on the go, or maybe he is injured and can't get home. I don't know, either way, I'm worried about him. Did he get into something? There's nothing I can do but worry. I last saw him about noon as he blazed by the back door then around the front. Nothing to worry about there. Should have come when I shook the asprin bottle. He must be in trouble. He always comes for food.

The Curve of Time

The second book of the year is "The Curve of Time" by M. Wylie Blanchet. It is a story of a mother and her 5 children who power their small boat, the Caprice, up the inlets and bays of Georgia Strait, British Columbia. The story is told first person by the mother, a widow. It does not tell how the husband died or when, or even the ages of the children. Other than a few descriptions of adventures with bears and meeting people who live in the outermost woods, there is not much depth to the story. She doesn't even give all the names of the children, at least I could not find them. I could only find 3 names. The story lacks passion and emotion, the reader sees that the little family enjoys the trips, but tells us nothing of the reasons why they did the sailing trips summer after summer. The story is set in the 50's, I think. But again, not really any detail to go on. The story tells of exploring Haida villages, but carefully omits any description of the places so that others cannot find these hidden gems. I was really hoping to enjoy this book, but it read very flatly and I was not drawn into it, even though I have been through the places she has travelled and should have been able to reminise about them through this book. I'm sure there are better stories about sailing through the Inside Passage, I intend to find them.