Hibernating

I wonder why I have felt the need to hibernate and isolate myself from the world for the last two days. I really don't miss the world, it will be there tomorrow. But I have not spoken to another soul for two days, except of course to scold my roommates for their various household misdemeanors such as eating cat poo.

For the last two days, I have left the house only to take out the compost, recycling and retrieve the mail. The radio has been on continously for two days, switching between the local volunteer station, KSER, and NPR. I got out of bed around 7 am both days, took a shower and sat down at the computer to see if anything interesting was happening. It wasn't. Facebook was as boring as usual, but it does lead me on an internet trail of vintage trailers and a gingerbread recipe, which helped to pass the morning. The gingerbread was spectacular, and while I should share it, I probably won't.

My obsession with vintage trailers often leads me to website where ladies have posted photo essays of trailer restoration. I love these. I don't love the one done by Mormoms who profess undying love for the Lord, but never Jesus, and their cadre of exceedingly, unnaturally happy and perfect families. Are these women just keeping a blog because they have nothing better to do, now that they did their job of raising a perfect family. Spare me. I do love looking at the trailers and the process of getting them road worthy. I wonder if I will have an opportunity to upgrade to one of these precious Shastas.

For now, all I want is my Boler, and to keep her rolling on the road, heading east. Being here in the west, means that direction is fairly limited. All point northeast and southeast are what interest me. So after gingerbread, trailer surfing got tiring, I curled up in bed with a magazine. I kept asking myself I wanted to go for a walk. Did I want to go the beach? Did I want to go to the crows roost? I could go to the store. Nah. Instead I took a nap. Just before darkness, I walked to the mailbox. Then I feed my roommates. Then I thought about dinner. I know I need to fill out a job application, a foster application and do my monthly budget. But not yet. Maybe I'll just read a little more.

The thing about hibernation is that it forces me to calm down, slow down, do nothing. Even when my mind is nagging me to go, go, go somewhere. I ignore it. I sit. Still. I ponder. I wonder. I contemplate. And the day passes. It's not like time has stopped because I have. Time is moving. It's me that is not. At the end of it, I'm relaxed, ready to head out to the world. Or at least to a little bit of it.

Time for a new job

Today was a tough day. Today I decided that it is time to leave my job. My boss betrayed me. I had trusted him to back me up, to support me, to not force me to work with an intermediate supervisor, but he did. I didn't understand that in the militaristic structure of a state agency, the next level up has authority to require a subbordinate to do anything he wants. Even when the supervisor is incompetant and utterly stupid. There is no room for creativity or independant thought in this job. For years, I thought there was, but sadly it all depends on your boss. I cannot exist in this type of environment. I am being strangled to death. Everyone at the top has all the say. They can force you to do anything. I feel so helpless and beat up. Thank goodness that at the last minute I brought in a union rep to support my issues and help to move the discussion. The HR person was completely useless. Another threat by my intermediate supervisor.

The problem is that the manager lost all control of the supervisor and did not reign him in. He allowed the other to bully me, simply because he holds an artificial title of supervisor. Our next meeting will define what that means. Yeah. At least I will get to set some boundaries. At least I will get to have a say. But that doesn't change how I've lost all interest in this job. I wondered how long I would be able to do this job. It's not so much the applicants, as it is the organization. I will look for a transfer, maybe to a different program, to a different field office. I think the thing I'm saddest about is losing trust of a respected boss. I have no choice but to obey someone who I detest, an ignoramous, and try avoid him as much as possible. I didn't understand the severity of the chain of command, I didn't play by the rules, I didn't lie or cheat. I honestly told the boss how incompetent the sup was, and he didn't believe me. Now, if the sup continues his poor skills, at least I will have a starting point. For a while. Untill I find something else. I'm actually excited about seeing what else is out there. I am excited about looking forward to going to work again.

I was labeled "confused" because the manager had an open door policy and encouraged interaction, until the sup started to feel left out and wanted more power. So the manger granted him that power, and he began to exert his authority and control only because he could. Not because he had any reason to. Really nothing better to do. I will not discuss things with the sup that I don't need to. I will not discuss things with the manager. Instead of being one of those awesome employees who look to their superiors to discuss things, I will not keep it all to myself. I will discuss nothing with either of them. If I need help, I will go to one of my collegues and refrain from any input with the supervisors, unless they come to me. I will discuss nothing with them. They cannot be trusted. I will do my job alone without support. I will discuss things only if they ask. No matter how hard it will be, I will keep my head down and end all personal relationships. I have already severed it with Laura, never had it with Larry. Ginger is leaving. Shouldn't be so hard. I will come into work, I will answer the phone, return emails and make site visits. I will lose all passion I had. I willl lose all personal connections. I will become a robot without emotion so that is easier for them to push me around. That's the only way I will get throught this. And then, I will make contacts with everyone outside, and find a new job in no time at all.